This all started when a not-so-bright guest smoked in her room. And I don't mean a sneaky quick puff in the bathroom, no, sir. When the housekeeper went in there a half hour after the guest checked out, the room smelled like a McDonald's break room and there were at least a half dozen visible ash stains on the carpet.
Now, Mash's World Famous Inn has a strict and very visible non-smoking policy. There is a sign standing inside the door that reads, 'SMOKING IS NOT PERMITTED ANYWHERE ON MASH'S PROPERTY EXCEPT IN DESIGNATED AREAS.' Before he or she is allowed into his or her room, each guest must read and sign a card that reads the same as the sign does, plus, "If you smoke in your room, and it will not be hard to tell that you did, you will be charged a $100 fee. No exceptions." And Mash is so fanatical about this that he has his employees highlight that on every individual card, and specifically tell every guest to read and initial it.
So guest smokes in her room. Mash goes up, as he always does, to confirm this personally, just so the housekeeper can't be accused of being part of a nefarious conspiracy. (That happened once, but that's another story.) Mash tries to charge the $100, but fails. The woman's debit card accepted the payment of $250-ish for her room, but rejected the $100 a few hours later.
"Verily, spoke Mash, this poor soul is no better with her money than she is with reading comprehension."
But no problem. Mash merely waits until Thursday morning, then charges the card again. And succeeds! (Thursday morning is when most people's direct deposit paychecks hit their bank accounts.)
Friday morning, guest calls, Holly (front desk clerk) answers. Holly can barely get out the standard greeting before guest commences screaming tirade. "Mash," says Holly after she finally puts down the phone five minutes later, rubbing her ear. "(guest) is on the phone. She says you charged her card a hundred bucks and her bank account's overdrawn now."
Mash leans back on his chair and laughs gleefully, so loud he can be heard outside the front desk door. Then he picks up the phone.
"This is Mash."
"Young man, how DARE you charge my card without my permission! Now my bank's charging me overdraft fees! You have to pay all of it back right now!"
"I do?"
"Yes!"
"No."
"What?"
"No, I do not see a positive angle for me in your plan."
"Young man, never in my sixty-four years have I ever been treated like this!"
"You've never demanded money for no good reason and been told 'no' before? Do you usually do it with a gun?"
"I demand you pay my restitution for this or I'll sue!"
"Hey Holly! Bad news! I'm getting sued for refusing to give this jerk money. I can no longer afford to employ you."
"That's right! I'll take you for everything you have! I'll never stand for this!"
"That was sarcasm, actually. Little life tip next time, if you're going to go and smoke in a non-smoking hotel, don't sign a card agreeing to be charged a hundred bucks for it first, okay?"
"You, you..!"
"I guess the school system was really no better in 1965 than it is today, eh?"
"I'm never coming back!"
Mash tried to say "Sounds great to me," but she hung up before he could finish. He never heard from her again.
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