You would think Mash would be busy enough running his hotel to not get bored and start messing around with employees and/or guests for his own amusement. But you would be wrong.
One day, after hearing the umpteeth complaint from an employee that, yes, we give them all this stuff that says don't do this or that, nobody ever reads it, Mash got curious. He printed up a batch of registration cards that looked just like the usual ones, except that among the usual legalese about what Mash's World Famous Inn reserves the right to do and etc., he inserted:
"Mash's World Famous Inn reserves the right to conduct full strip and cavity searches for any reason, at any time, including 3:00 in the morning because the night auditor is drunk and thinks it would be fun."
Carl (front desk guy) puts the over under at 7.5 guests that sign the card without reading it before someone does and points it out. Mash bet the over. The ninth guest noticed.
"Wait. What?" guest says.
"I'm sorry. Is there a problem?" says Carl.
"What in the hell is this!" guest (a 50-something guy) stabs at the offending text with his finger.
"That?" (Carl makes a show of reading it.) "Dear me. That's not supposed to be in there. Mash!"
Mash emerges from his office. "The hell?"
"You're violating my rights!" says guest with genuine indignation. Carl points out the offending text to Mash. Mash reads it.
"Not yet, I'm not. But don't worry. You're neither in your 20s nor female, so you don't really fit the profile of people we suspect to be terrorists and must, for the public safety, investigate."
Guest eventually realized it was a joke and actually took it in good humor, but it took him another couple of minutes.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Mash v. Smokers of America, Vol. I
This all started when a not-so-bright guest smoked in her room. And I don't mean a sneaky quick puff in the bathroom, no, sir. When the housekeeper went in there a half hour after the guest checked out, the room smelled like a McDonald's break room and there were at least a half dozen visible ash stains on the carpet.
Now, Mash's World Famous Inn has a strict and very visible non-smoking policy. There is a sign standing inside the door that reads, 'SMOKING IS NOT PERMITTED ANYWHERE ON MASH'S PROPERTY EXCEPT IN DESIGNATED AREAS.' Before he or she is allowed into his or her room, each guest must read and sign a card that reads the same as the sign does, plus, "If you smoke in your room, and it will not be hard to tell that you did, you will be charged a $100 fee. No exceptions." And Mash is so fanatical about this that he has his employees highlight that on every individual card, and specifically tell every guest to read and initial it.
So guest smokes in her room. Mash goes up, as he always does, to confirm this personally, just so the housekeeper can't be accused of being part of a nefarious conspiracy. (That happened once, but that's another story.) Mash tries to charge the $100, but fails. The woman's debit card accepted the payment of $250-ish for her room, but rejected the $100 a few hours later.
"Verily, spoke Mash, this poor soul is no better with her money than she is with reading comprehension."
But no problem. Mash merely waits until Thursday morning, then charges the card again. And succeeds! (Thursday morning is when most people's direct deposit paychecks hit their bank accounts.)
Friday morning, guest calls, Holly (front desk clerk) answers. Holly can barely get out the standard greeting before guest commences screaming tirade. "Mash," says Holly after she finally puts down the phone five minutes later, rubbing her ear. "(guest) is on the phone. She says you charged her card a hundred bucks and her bank account's overdrawn now."
Mash leans back on his chair and laughs gleefully, so loud he can be heard outside the front desk door. Then he picks up the phone.
"This is Mash."
"Young man, how DARE you charge my card without my permission! Now my bank's charging me overdraft fees! You have to pay all of it back right now!"
"I do?"
"Yes!"
"No."
"What?"
"No, I do not see a positive angle for me in your plan."
"Young man, never in my sixty-four years have I ever been treated like this!"
"You've never demanded money for no good reason and been told 'no' before? Do you usually do it with a gun?"
"I demand you pay my restitution for this or I'll sue!"
"Hey Holly! Bad news! I'm getting sued for refusing to give this jerk money. I can no longer afford to employ you."
"That's right! I'll take you for everything you have! I'll never stand for this!"
"That was sarcasm, actually. Little life tip next time, if you're going to go and smoke in a non-smoking hotel, don't sign a card agreeing to be charged a hundred bucks for it first, okay?"
"You, you..!"
"I guess the school system was really no better in 1965 than it is today, eh?"
"I'm never coming back!"
Mash tried to say "Sounds great to me," but she hung up before he could finish. He never heard from her again.
Now, Mash's World Famous Inn has a strict and very visible non-smoking policy. There is a sign standing inside the door that reads, 'SMOKING IS NOT PERMITTED ANYWHERE ON MASH'S PROPERTY EXCEPT IN DESIGNATED AREAS.' Before he or she is allowed into his or her room, each guest must read and sign a card that reads the same as the sign does, plus, "If you smoke in your room, and it will not be hard to tell that you did, you will be charged a $100 fee. No exceptions." And Mash is so fanatical about this that he has his employees highlight that on every individual card, and specifically tell every guest to read and initial it.
So guest smokes in her room. Mash goes up, as he always does, to confirm this personally, just so the housekeeper can't be accused of being part of a nefarious conspiracy. (That happened once, but that's another story.) Mash tries to charge the $100, but fails. The woman's debit card accepted the payment of $250-ish for her room, but rejected the $100 a few hours later.
"Verily, spoke Mash, this poor soul is no better with her money than she is with reading comprehension."
But no problem. Mash merely waits until Thursday morning, then charges the card again. And succeeds! (Thursday morning is when most people's direct deposit paychecks hit their bank accounts.)
Friday morning, guest calls, Holly (front desk clerk) answers. Holly can barely get out the standard greeting before guest commences screaming tirade. "Mash," says Holly after she finally puts down the phone five minutes later, rubbing her ear. "(guest) is on the phone. She says you charged her card a hundred bucks and her bank account's overdrawn now."
Mash leans back on his chair and laughs gleefully, so loud he can be heard outside the front desk door. Then he picks up the phone.
"This is Mash."
"Young man, how DARE you charge my card without my permission! Now my bank's charging me overdraft fees! You have to pay all of it back right now!"
"I do?"
"Yes!"
"No."
"What?"
"No, I do not see a positive angle for me in your plan."
"Young man, never in my sixty-four years have I ever been treated like this!"
"You've never demanded money for no good reason and been told 'no' before? Do you usually do it with a gun?"
"I demand you pay my restitution for this or I'll sue!"
"Hey Holly! Bad news! I'm getting sued for refusing to give this jerk money. I can no longer afford to employ you."
"That's right! I'll take you for everything you have! I'll never stand for this!"
"That was sarcasm, actually. Little life tip next time, if you're going to go and smoke in a non-smoking hotel, don't sign a card agreeing to be charged a hundred bucks for it first, okay?"
"You, you..!"
"I guess the school system was really no better in 1965 than it is today, eh?"
"I'm never coming back!"
Mash tried to say "Sounds great to me," but she hung up before he could finish. He never heard from her again.
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